I am quietly sitting in a cubicle on the fifth floor of the library. While I am trying to study for my Book of Mormon exam, three guys congregate around the cubicle behind me and begin whispering louder and louder. I can’t believe that I forgot my headphones today! As the whispering increases, I ponder how I can politely ask the guys to be quiet, or preferably leave the building. Soon, I hear a YouTube video playing and stifled giggling coming from the cubicle behind me. Now I’m really annoyed. Trying to imagine what Jesus would do, I finish my studying and leave. As soon as I come home, I begin complaining to my roommates and anyone else who would listen about the ‘jerks’ that sat behind me in the library. What have I done? I have allowed myself to be ‘nice.’ In other words, I have allowed my self to be victimized by ‘niceness.’
The thirteenth Article of Faith states, “We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men…If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.” As members of Christ’s church, we often interpret this as simply being nice. We forget that nowhere in the scriptures or in any doctrine issued by the Church does it say we believe in being nice. Why? Because nice is the superficial blanket of conformity that obscures reality and distorts good. Elouise Bell states, “I believe it is niceness which can corrupt all the other virtues. Niceness edits the truth, dilutes loyalty, makes a caricature of patriotism. It hobbles justice, shortcircuits honor, and counterfeits Mercy, Compassion and Love” (171). We profess that we try to follow the example of Christ, but is Christ ever described as just being nice?
Are we sincere or simply ‘nice’? The greatest quality I look for in a friend is their sincerity. But do I allow myself to be sincere? I still have the insecurity that if I show my true sincere self, that I will be mocked and ridiculed for it. Bell mirrored my feelings in this statement, “Niceness threatens by saying there is no True Self, or that the True Self is synonymous with the Natural Man (and thus an enemy to God), or that the False Self is what we ought to seek” (173). Niceness only leads to the level of introversion that every teenager experiences and must eventually shed. If we continue to delay developing our authentic self by prolonging niceness, we are denying ourselves of true happiness. Sometimes I worry that we are so concerned with being ‘nice’ that we forget about being good? But does our society and even our ‘Mormon’ culture encourage ‘niceness’ over integrity? Do we have the courage to exemplify the cornerstone of our religion—Christ—and live earnestly? Indeed, this our daily battle that we must strive to win.
“Nice, in short, aint so nice. (174)”
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Oh my goodness. I am so glad I read this. I've been viewing myself as judgemental, mean, and critical of others, but I guess that's just me, right? I know this isn't an excuse to start shooting down everyone's self esteem, but if I don't like something, I should say something. If someone says something that offends me, I should call them a friggin' dirty hobo, not shrug it off and complain about it later.
ReplyDeleteOh, and this is the exact problem that one of my roommates has.
He grew up in Utah.
I agree! Being bad is nice, but being mean can be liberating! I have resolved to shake off the "silken shackles" that bind me! Another reason this article was great to read is that now, whenever someone asks me how I enjoyed something, and I don't want to tell them how bad I thought it was, I can just say that I thought it was "really nice!" I would be making fun of them, without them every knowing and without ever lying, all while venting my rage at whatever offended me!
ReplyDeleteFive stars. Two thumbs up. Bell's article merits personal reflection for many.
Yeah, I'm guilty of being a nice person. I'm not from Utah, but I'm definitely the type who won't tell you when you've offended me. I'm more of the type of person who will just turn the other cheek. This article helped me to really see that I need to change that and stop bottling up my feelings all the time. The thought never occurred to me that I might hurt that person worse by not saying anything or that I could actually potentially help someone out by telling them when they've offended me or telling the truth instead of a little white lie. This article really gave me a lot to think about.
ReplyDeletei loved this reading! it definitely has truth in it. i would have to say i am guilty of 'niceness' as well. I hate confrontation in the first place, and unless you are my really close friend i will just be nice about things that bother me. The problem with this is that i hold it all in, letting it stay bottled up until it explode! and it always exploded around my trusted boyfriend, the only one who i thought i could show my true not-so-nice self to! now i can see the reason i bottled all of it up, i was a victim of the niceness disease! We learned about this very thing today in my leadership class. It was said that part of integrity is correcting what is wrong. It is important to be genuinely candid and not just nice. Don't fake nice, because it's lying! Don't minimize the real problems and think you are being nice, who you love others by correcting their mistakes.
ReplyDelete*show* you love others by correcting their mistakes.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this article because it made me think about who I am and what I'm doing. However, correcting our problem of 'niceness' is more than learning to stop bottling up our anger, it's learning to follow the example of Christ. I'm starting to realize that it might take me a lifetime to find the courage to be consistently 'good'. I also believe that the true key to finding this courage is learning to love--everyone--despite their faults. Guess I better get started!
ReplyDeleteTypically, when I think of, for instance, women in my home ward being nice all the time, I feel like they’re really fake. I think a lot of people are so concerned with being nice and the appearance that they are nice, they lose the sincerity that should be there while doing things for others. I agree with you that niceness doesn’t really have any depth. Niceness is just an appearance. However, niceness could be the beginnings of sincerity. Maybe when the complete concept of sincerity has not been established in an individual they can be described as nice.
ReplyDeleteI greatly disagree with many points that Bell made in this short essay, because there are many false accusations made. Were the point that false niceness was not so nice I would definitely agree, because it seems that the nicest people are only hidden by a blanket of "nice". I have definitely seen people who seem nice to another's face, but attack them from the back. I would submit that this is not true niceness. I believe that all of these bad examples are simply people trying to seem nice, in order to impress others. I try my self to be a nice guy, but to me that is more than an act. That does not involve holding my tongue when another offends me, nor smiling away my anger, nor many more falsities. To me, being nice means to not take offense from others, and confront excessive rudeness, it means being kind to my enemies to their faces and their backs, and lastly NEVER back-biting. This is true niceness, and in this sense, nice IS nice.
ReplyDeleteI’m glad I read this too. I always fall prey to this. Too often I find myself giving people rides all the time. It gets to the point of being ridiculous. It’s interesting that this article mentioned being sincere. I never really thought about it but I guess niceness and sincerity can conflict. I think it’s hard to find the courage to be sincere. I’m afraid I will offend someone, but this is no way to live. People will walk all over you if that’s the case. It’s probably healthier not to bottle up so much anger when people offend you. It’s hard to be nice sometimes.
ReplyDelete"Nice" in the article is defined as blanketing true feelings and putting up a false congenial front in all situations that merit anything but kind feelings. Rather than "nice," what I'm going for is properly assertive; doing my best to be kind to other people, but taking care to be honest and express what I think in situations. There are certain times when being nice is okay--like when you're feeling grouchy and are tempted to snap at your brother and don't. I don't think the author of this article was saying we should allow ourselves to be governed by our emotions; I think the point was that we shouldn't be afraid to express our emotions in the proper context. Tact is key. Just because at times "nice ain't so nice," that doesn't give us license to be rude.
ReplyDeleteI read this with the preconception that I would disagree. And I still want to, but I guess I don't entirely disagree. "Nice" is too general of a term to condemn entirely and I felt that some of her claims in the beginning were never fully explained or supported. The aspects of "Nice" she dwells on such as deception, vanity, and ignorance need to go but what I equate with being nice are civility, respect, and courtesy and these should remain.
ReplyDeleteIt's important to distinguish between the two types of "nice." A lot of times people don't speak up when they ought to. As Ariel said, it's all about context. We shouldn't be afraid to speak up and "be mean" when it matters. Some miscommunications or grudges couldn't quickly be resolved if people spoke up. People keep things "bottled up" and it only makes things worse. We're too worried about offending people or losing their approval.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we're just too nice. That being said, pick your battles. Michael summed up my thoughts perfectly: Stop ignoring the problem or deceiving people (or yourself). But I'm not sure you need to worry about being TOO friendly or charitable unless it's taken to an extreme.
I think the trick to being kind but not "nice" is to say what you feel, and release your emotions. I have a hard time with confruntation with people I dont know very well, like my roommates here, and so I end up simply never going home, avoiding them at all costs, all under the pretext of being "nice" when I am really actually super annoyed.
ReplyDeleteBut at the same time, I feel like it would make things worse if i confrounted them or argued with them, its easier to just avoid the situation and spend time with people I care about
That being said though, When I do get in a fight with someone i do care about, I will stop being "nice" and say why I'm upset.
So I think it goes both ways
I enjoyed this article as well. I never tell people when they've offended me; I just bottle it up inside and fume about it. In a way, I let people walk all over me because I'm too nice to say anything at all. When my roommates bother me (even by doing something insignificant), I don't talk to them about it. I just think about it all day long, and I'm annoyed when I talk to them later. It reminds me of something my dad once told me. When he and my mom were newlyweds and she would do something that bothered him, he wouldn't talk to her about it. Instead he'd try to just ignore it, but she could tell something was bothering him and didn't know why he was upset. So I guess even though avoiding conflict can be easier, it's not always the best way to react.
ReplyDeleteI do not view it as being "mean" to others. All it really is is being up-front with people. Be blunt. Do not sugar coat things because it is lying to your fellow man. We are supposed to be truthful to those around us. There are ways to manipulate words to make your repsponse or action seem "nice" even though it may not be. Even though you may not always get the same up-front attitude in return, that is just how some people are. But from all of my personal experiences I have been more successful while being the person to tell you straight up. I have also gained much respect from my peers and elders because they grow to trust me more.
ReplyDeleteIf all members of the Church were "nice," then the Gay community would be tickled happy. By saying someone is always nice, you imply that they are extremely tolerant. They do their best to never offend anyone by agreeing with what they do or say. Sometimes, people need to have some self respect and stand up for what they believe in.
ReplyDeleteI'm positive that Captain Moroni wasn't being nice when he raised the Title of liberty and proclaimed that those who would not stand up for freedom would be put to death. Sometimes we have to do painful things, both to us and others, in order to do what's right, even if it's not "nice."
hahaha! I laughed so hard at Ami's response, I feel bad because people are looking at me funny! But it is SO TRUE. Being here at BYU it is especially noticeable that everyone is so nice. I don't feel that there is anything wrong with being a nice person, I think that is how it should be. But when it gets to the point where the kind words are dripping in syrupy fakeness, it is getting ridiculous. We should be friendly and caring, but not let the whole "nice" thing get carried away. I agree with the last line, "Nice, ain't so nice."
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure that I entirely agreed with this article. To be sure, there are many elements of truth in it. Often we hide our true self behind a facade of nice-ness and prevent sincere communication and real friendships. I am definitely guilty of being a people-pleaser, adjusting my behavior, opinions, and emotions depending on the group that I am with. After awhile, it becomes natural, the acting seems to become the real me. But after a few weeks of always being nice, something minor can trigger the release of pent-up emotions. Naturally, this is never done in public. That wouldn't be nice.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I feel that some people are able to genuinely be nice most of the time, with no secret agenda or resentment. I think that the key to personal congruity is to consciously consider what you really think, then act in a way that is both kind and fair. There have been times that I have wanted to do something kind for someone but did not because I was afraid that they would think that I was just being "nice."
Finding a balance is definitely difficult. Something that I remind myself is to be consistent to myself and others. I focus on my values and act on them, which generally leads to both the greatest kindness and fairness to myself and others.
We are all guilty of being fake nice to others. For example, the common greeting of "Hey so and so, how are you doing?" How many times do you honestly care about how the other person is doing? You say that just to be nice. Or when someone compliments your new haircut or your outfit or the style of your backpack, how often do you feel like you're supposed to give them a compliment in return just to be "nice?" I agree with the statement that we need to be more sincere with our words and actions instead of being fake polite. Be sincerely kind and considerate instead of doing it just out of duty or expectation.
ReplyDelete